Love triangle

One morning during a past relationship, she rubbed my head and said goodbye. It was a Saturday morning an hour before sunrise, and she was headed into work. She had been kind enough to let me stay sleeping in her bed, and I was happy to take advantage of it.

When I regained consciousness a few hours later, I was immediately aware of the fact that something was in the bed next to me, and it wasn't her. At least, it didn't smell like her.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was nose to snout with her German shepherd/labrador retriever mix. As if in slow motion, I saw his lips part and a giant tongue started to head in my direction.

I jumped out of the bed and the relationship quicker than you could say Milkbone.


This past weekend, a friend gave me an article written by a woman who believes that her dog is starting to handicap her dating life. She cited a few scenarios. For example, dogs usually need to be walked every night at about the same time that one might start getting intimate on the couch. Do you take the dog for a walk or worry about it in the morning?

If the dog must be walked, what do you do with the date? Leave him on the couch? Take him along? If you take him along, what happens when the dog drops a pile of turds? Do you ignore it ('she might be environmentally insensitive') or do you bag it and pick it up? (Later: 'you want to touch me with those?')

I don't know what the right answer is to any of these questions, but I've finally figured something out about dogs and relationships.

The dog offers unconditional love and companionship, and those are some big shoes to fill when I show up on someone's doorstep to take her to dinner. In effect, I'm elbowing-in on what's already a pretty stable and satisfying relationship. The dog doesn't have crankydays, and he'll never--accidentally!--leave pubic hairs in the shower.

That, in a nutshell, is the problem: most of us can never live up to the relationship standards set by a dog.

I do hope that some of my other qualities--my goofy stories, my laugh, and my ability to remain calm around the mailman--will be enough to elevate me to dog-like status in a future relationship.

In the meantime, I'll be on the lookout for anyone out walking her cat.